We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
