Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You took a bar mat shot.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
