Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
