why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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