I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
