can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
