life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
