woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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