Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
