Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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