Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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