I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
