Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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