What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
