The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
