I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
