8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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