It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
there's paper in my vomit.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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