Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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