my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
