We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
