My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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