Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
