Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
