and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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