Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
