when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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