My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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