its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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