Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
