Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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