That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
