All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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