when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
