My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"