awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
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mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.