Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.