i already hear my dad disowning me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
