this boner is exhausting
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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