I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
