I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
