he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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