what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
