new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
