Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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