That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
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It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize