Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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