mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The Olympian is in my bed
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
