Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
