fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were trust falling into bushes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
