ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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