i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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