1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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