"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
