new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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