Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
