I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
