I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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