Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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