Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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