peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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